I have discovered that I have a unique talent for writing letters of complaint. What’s worse (or better, depending on if I’m on your side) is that I got a real kick out of it this morning.

Writing a letter of complaint allows me to pull out all of my fancy big words I never get the chance to use and sound like an important pompous arse. I am neither important nor pompous usually, so that might be part of the reason for why I enjoyed it far more than what I should have. There’s something incredibly satisfying about telling someone in the politest of languages that they are either incredibly useless at their jobs or that they are the scum of the Earth.

In this instance I got to flop out “unacceptable delays” “deep dissatisfaction” (I like this one because it reminds of of when a parent would say “I’m not angry, I’m disappointed” which was always worse), “renege on delivery assurances resulting in significant loss of revenue” and of course my favourite, “unhelpful call centre staff who vehemently denied the existence of a local branch depot and refused to contact them, despite the fact that we were standing inside said non-existent branch yesterday .”

In an ideal world I would have included in my complaint letter some vile sounding medical terms describing the kittens my father in law was having because we haven’t been able to do any work. I think I would have far too much fun with that though, so its probably a good thing I value my job over my desire to be a snarky cow.

Unfortunately I haven’t been contacted by a representative begging for my forgiveness. Which they should, because an overnight express delivery on a part that is vital for my continued paycheck, should NOT take four days to get here.